Thundercloud For President

I'm running for president. I'll be honest with you, I am running because I need the money. And I'd love to live in a really big, white house with a really good chef. I would love lots of people running around waiting on me, too. It would be like living in a fancy restaurant without having to leave a really fancy tip. I'd love it.

I'm dreaming of the $300,000.00 salary and drooling over the private jet, helicopters, and the hot, hand-picked female chauffeur. I really want this. I would do almost anything to get it. One problem though - I have no money and no support.

Short of winning the lottery, I don't see myself ever making that much money in a year - and I certainly will never have any of those other perquisites the way I'm going. Not even the hot female chauffeur. Darn it.

So that's why I'm here begging you for help - there are two things you can to do to help me:

1. Donate lots of money to me. If you do I promise I'll squander it.

2. Let me fix America my way.

Don't do number one. If you're that crazy, find a good charity and donate your money to them. I'll just waste it.

Number two is interesting. I will be a sweet deal for you. It will be an even sweeter deal for me. A win-win situation. I'll be collecting a cool $300 grand a year, riding around on Air Force One, bopping to and fro in my own helicopter - plus I'll have my hand-picked chauffeur "Amber" drive me wherever I want to go - even crazy.

Better yet, I'll bring new ideas to Washington.

I have no idea how the government works. None of us know how it works because it doesn't work - it's broken...duh!

I will fix it if you elect me. I want to ride around in limousines, helicopters, and big jets - at your expense. I want it so bad that I'd do anything to get it. Unlike the other candidates, I'm honest. I admit it.

I'll be the president of love. I'll be the president you'll write love letters to. I'll be the most loved president in history. Not only by you, my fellow citizens, but by all people, all over the world.

Here are my policies on some major issues I know you are concerned with:

Illegal Immigrants

We'll relocate citizens in Pittsburgh and Toledo and surround the two "cities" with 50-foot walls. We'll turn the cities into internment camps for illegal aliens. Once the word spreads to the illegals that they'll be sent to Toledo or Pittsburgh if they're caught, you can bet that they'll be no more Mexicans pouring across our borders illegally. Who wants to be sent to Pittsburgh or Toledo? No one, not even illegal immigrants - they'd rather stay south of the border than to be stuck in Toledo or Pittsburgh. Who can blame them? Think about it. Problem solved.

A note about language: If folks want to come to our country, they are welcome to come, but they must do it legally. And, another thing - if you want to live here you will learn how to speak English. No more bilingual signs. I have no intention of making America another Quebec. English is what we speak; if you want to live here, learn to speak our language.

I really hate calling my bank - an AMERICAN bank by-the-way - and having to listen to a 3 minute Spanish lesson and then push several buttons just so I can hear someone speak to me in English. We will speak English in America - and only English, por favor! Gracias mi amigos.

Foreign Policy

I do believe in the doctrine "if you're not for us, you're against us" as callow as that seems. Therefore, as soon as I assume the office of President of the United States, I will request that every leader of every country who wishes to be on our side, write me a long love letter telling me how much they love me and how they'd do anything for me. They'd have to deliver the letter to me in person and read it out loud. If they were sincere, I'd accept their letter as well as their love and put them on the "allies" list.

For those countries whose leaders choose not to do this, I hesitate to say what would happen. I would ask them to remember that we still a very large arsenal of nuclear weapon. Enough said.

If any foreign leader needs help writing the letter, I will make available to them a standard love letter they can use. All they need to do is sign it, come over here and read it to me, and I'll judge their sincerity. If I find them sincere, they're in. If not, we have the aforementioned nuclear arsenal. I'm tired of pussy-footing around. I'm tired of war. Are you for me or against me? That's the choice. You don't want to be against me - I'm the candidate of love. Love me or else.

The Wars in Iraq and Afghanistan

See "Foreign Policy" above.

Terrorism

All you need is love, people. Terrorist leaders would fall under the same category as world leaders - although it pains me to have to lump them all together like this. I would have a form letter prepared for them in both Arabic and English they can sign and deliver to me in person. All terrorists must learn to speak English I have no desire to learn to read, write or speak Arabic.

A word to potential terrorists. If you attack us, we'll find out what country you came from and that country will be used for the internment of our illegal immigrants, instead of Toledo or Pittsburgh - or if those two cities become too crowded - in addition to them.

This would all take place, after of course, we've followed we've implemented our foreign policy doctrine. I'll make a copy of it available to you as soon as I have written it. You would want to pay particular attention to the section entitled "Enemies of the United States", subsection "Those who have not yet delivered their love letter to the President".

Taxes

Forget rebates and tax cuts. The day I take the oath of office is the day you stop paying ANY federal income tax or social security tax.

I will sign an executive order legalizing drugs, prostitution, and gambling and federalize them all. Government run gambling joints, brothels, and "drug stores" will be built - by those currently on welfare - in every town with a population of 30,000 or more.

Drugs, prostitution, and gambling will be taxed at whatever rate we need and the revenue used to fund the federal government and social security. They way I figure, we'll still have money left over to fund, universal health care for all Americans.

We'll all living off the vices of others. You'll all be singing "Vice is nice" !

For those of you who are against vices, let me remind you that all the above (to varying degrees) are illegal now and those who choose to partake of them do so whenever they wish. I'm not promoting vice, I'm just being realistic and honest. It's time we admitted the world is not heaven, we are not angels, and the government might as well skim some money from it. Why not? You don't want to pay taxes, I don't want to pay taxes, and now you won't have to pay taxes.

You love me, don't you?

Health Care

See "Taxes"

Energy and the Environment

I don't believe in global warming. I don't believe we need to worry about it. Then again, there's no sense in mucking up the air we breathe, the water we drink, or the land we live on, is there? If you have any logical reasons why we should pour junk into the air and garbage into our water, let me know - I'll take a look at your logic.

For now, I believe in clean air, clean water, and lots of trees and rainforests. It only makes sense. It's logical.

We also need to stop burning oil and coal. Therefore, I am going to start a new project called "Clean and Green" and it will be lead by the world's leading scientists. We will fund it with all the money we're making from vice - and it will be the most intensive project since the Manhattan Project. If we can build a nuke in less than 2 years, we can find viable alternatives to oil and coal in less than five years.

My promise: We won't need anymore foreign oil by 2012. We won't need to scrape the earth for coal either. We'll use hydrogen, ethanol, hydro, wind and solar, maybe even nuclear power - but no more oil, natural gas or coal. I'll personally tell those Middle Eastern leaders what they can do with their oil - and I'll do it on national TV so you can all hear me say it. I guarantee you, what I say to them will be something no President has ever said on TV before. I'll have to bite my lip to keep from snickering - but you can snicker if you like. It will be a great day for the U.S.A.!

Other Stuff

I have more ideas, but I'm running out of time. By now you really love me don't you?

I'd love hobnobbing with the all those smug world leaders. I'd still never comb my hair. I'd belch at big expensive state dinners, blow my nose at the table while sitting across from Princess Amirda from Bostipul - heck I'd just be the general, all-around slob I have always been.

I'll answer any questions you have honestly - brutally so. If you don't like my answer - that's tough. I'll call a spade a spade and it if hurts someone's feelings - too bad. If you're short, you're short. If you're fat, you're fat. If you're stupid, you're stupid. I didn't make the world, I live in it just like you.

America's a mess. George and Thomas would be turning over in their graves if they were living today.

Most other countries don't like us - especially France. They say we're slobs. If the French think we are slobs now wait until they get a whiff of me. When I'm your President, they'll love me or else!

We've spent too much money that we don't have. When I'm your President, you'll pay no taxes and we'll be spending all the money we want and still have a lot left to spend. We'll be awash in money provided to us by all those fine, fun-loving sinners.

The only candidate who has no governmental experience at all is me. And when it comes to government experience - less is better. I don't know how government works but I sure now how it shouldn't work.

You hear politicians tell you that they'll put you first - what a crock! If they could put you first why haven't they done it? The only time you'll ever be first is right before an election or if you love me. If you love me I will love you - all you need is love!

You'll hear them tell you that government is broken and they can fix it. At least one part of that statement is true. Government is broken. If they can fix it, why haven't they done it? Some of them have been hanging around the U. S. Senate for years. Why would they really want to fix it? These people are doing well. Do you know a poor senator? They'll never fix government because while it works really well for politicians - it just doesn't work for the people.

You say you're not from America? Who cares? America's going to take over the world eventually anyway. But I promise you, if I'm elected, and your country's leader writes me a really smarmy love letter, I promise I will leave your country alone. So, even if you're not from America, your questions are welcome. When I come up for re-election in four years, I'll see to it that the whole world can vote for me - your vote would be appreciated.

I want the glory. I want the power. I want the money. I want the chauffeur, I want to live in the White House with lots of minions around me. I want jets, helicopters, and limousines.

With your help I can do this! And you will love me!

All you need is love! All you need is me!